Y'all, I can't even try to put a positive spin on my weight loss/maintenance journey or marathon training these days- I am struggling. After gaining 4.6 from the wedding and honeymoon, then losing 2.4 the next week, then gaining 1.8, then losing 1.8, then gaining 3... you get the picture; my weight is far from being maintained.
|At least it's symmetrical! :-)|
Walt Disney World Marathon training literally JUST started two weeks ago and I'm already injured. I visited the orthopedic doctor yesterday for pain in my left knee- she believes it's just overuse and has ordered an MRI and physical therapy. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's IT Band Syndrome or Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome. Either way, I'm hopeful to have a more secure diagnosis after the MRI and some sessions with the PT.
So... yeah. That's where I'm at these days. I've spent a lot of time thinking about where I was (weight-wise and running-wise) a year ago. I had just finished the Pittsburgh Marathon, was in the best shape of my life, and the lowest weight I'd ever been as an adult. All of this last (somewhat stressful) year, I have obsessed over getting back to that "magic Pittsburgh weight" of 140 pounds. Honestly, I've beat myself up for not being able to get back down to that weight/fitness level; constantly berating myself, calling myself fat, stupid, and lazy. Yup, pretty much all the things I encourage other people not to say to themselves.
I've spent so much time fighting to be "who I was" that I think I've forgotten about encouraging the woman that I'm building, i.e., the woman I currently am. Do I weigh more now than last summer? Yes. Are my clothes a little tight? Yes. Am I running/working out less? Yes.
But that's totally OK! And I'm not fat, lazy, or stupid! [imagine me yelling these last statements in an enthusiastic way because that's what's happening right now, lol] I have to say these things out loud or else I succumb to the internal, constant loop that plays negative things in my head on repeat.
In the beginning of the summer, Weight Watchers encouraged us to write down our goals; where we'd like to be at the end of August. I wrote down these three things:
- Weigh 145 pounds or less
- Track your food every day
- Reflect on each week with kindness and respect
Basically, a scale goal, a behavioral goal, and a mental health goal. While I can't control the scale, I can control my behavior and my own thoughts about myself. I have tracked every day (bravo to me!) of this summer and while I'm not near my scale goal yet, I have been making an genuine effort to be kind to myself- even if I'm not "where I was" or "where I want to be."
This whole healthy living thing is hard. I mean, really, really hard. Discipline, commitment, and self-control aren't things that just "happen." And neither does being kind to yourself, at least not for me. My default has always been negative self-talk, and that's a hard habit to overcome.
"You can't hate yourself into a person you'll love." I say this out loud to myself several times a week, usually when the negative thoughts start looping in my brain again. I first heard it in a Weight Watchers meeting room and it has stuck with me for years. It always reminds me to be kind to myself, to respect my own journey, and to cut myself some slack when needed. I'm still tracking, I'm still trying, and I'm still so much healthier than I would have been had I never started this journey. And sticking to it- even when it sucks- makes me proud of myself.
Is it hard for you to be kind to yourself? If so, how might you work towards being kind to yourself? If this is easy for you, share your secrets!