This a post that I almost didn't write. Writing it down means acknowledging my failures, recognizing my weaknesses.
I didn't want to write this. I didn't want to post it. But when I feel like that, I know I MUST write it. Post it publicly. Deal with it out in the open.
I'm frustrated. My foot still hurts and I haven't worked out in two weeks. My doctor's office won't give my MRI results over the phone. Most likely, I'll have to wait until my follow-up appointment on Wednesday to get my results; 10 full days after my MRI. If my foot is fractured, then I will have walked around for 10 days on a broken foot. I am pretty irritated with rural medicine at this point.
But what I'm really upset with is how this frustration has been affecting me.
And it feels like shit.
And when I feel like shit, guess what? I treat myself like shit by eating horribly. It's so damn cyclical. It reminds me of how I felt years and years ago when I was binging and hiding food and eating like a food addict.
Last night, I finished dinner and then ate a huge bowl of cereal and then some chocolate chips. Just because I was feeling bad about my foot and myself; not because I was hungry. And then of course, I felt even worse. My response to feed my feeling with food is automatic: I was sitting on the couch staring at an empty bowl before I realized that I'd been eating.It sucks.
That's the only way I can describe it. It sucks.
I can't run. I can't work out the way I want to. I can't train for upcoming races and I might have to miss the two half marathons I have scheduled for the fall. I can't stand looking at social media and seeing all my friends running and racing and accomplishing goals.
But what bugs me the most is that I let all this affect how I think about myself and how I treat myself.
There are some days where I feel like I've worked through all these issues and have come so far. Then there are days like today when I feel like I've ruined any progress I've made.
What I'm complaining about is "small stuff;" stuff that really doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. Overall, me and my family are healthy, we've got a roof over our heads, and we've got food in the pantry. I'm doing ok. Frustrated and angry, but ok.
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this: "If you're tired of starting over, quit giving up." Well, friends, I'm not giving up. I am a little tired of going through these cycles of being injured/feeling unmotivated, but I'm not giving up.
But maybe this is just how it is for me. Maybe I have a few weeks/months where everything sucks and I don't want to workout/eat healthy, and then I have a few weeks/months of wanting to be the best me possible. I don't really know.
So that's where I'm at these days. Feeling crappy but just trying to "make the next right decision." (That's my favorite quote from AA- no worries, I'm not a problem drinker, I just used to work with them :-) )
Like I promised last week, I will post at least once a week from now until Christmas. I also have a few fun recaps to write that I will hopefully get to this week.
If you're still reading this pity-party, thank you. I appreciate having this platform to share about my life and my struggles- thank you for reading. :-)
Have a great week!
Hang in there Sarah. Stay away from social media if you need to. Do whatever you have to do to keep your head in a good place. Sometimes I find that when I'm down I actually feel better being more introverted and being away from people or social media for a bit. That's ok. I'm so sorry you are dealing with foot problems again. I hope you can find a way to exercise that will hold you over until you can run again.ReplyDelete
Thanks for the solid advice, Becca. One of my new year's resolutions is to get away from social media more often :-)Delete
Focus on what you CAN do. No, you can't workout the way you want to but you can only actively focus on what's still in your control. Focus on your nutrition, sleep, stress control (easier said than done!), etc. I have to remind myself injuries come my way to change my way of thinking and remind me of healthy balance. I've been dealing with injuries, autoimmune, & adrenal fatigue issues for the last 2 years (nonstop!) - it's really knocked me off my fitness game but I'm developing a healthier relationship with myself, workouts, running, & nutrition. Hang in there.ReplyDelete
Yes- balance is KEY! Thanks for the comment and the reminder! :-)Delete
Sarah, what this tells us is that you are HUMAN! You know what? That's what makes you inspiring. Reading your blog inspired me to start running and register for my very first race last year. Now I am training for Dopey and did my 17-miler yesterday. You also inspired me to try Weight Watchers meetings, and I have lost 20 pounds and am now about 5 pounds from my goal weight. I didn't choose to take inspiration from a professional athlete who has never weighed more than 110, has been running since middle school, and who seems to be on top of everything all of the time. You are a real person with real struggles, and it's not surprising that you stumble every now and then. If you didn't, the rest of us wouldn't be able to look at you as a role model--you would be too perfect. It sucks that you are injured, but you WILL bounce back, and I will eagerly look forward to your blog posts. I know that you are also struggling with what you want from your blog, but just remember that whether you realize it or not, a lot of us are really inspired by you every week. I hope you keep the posts coming! I love the weekly recaps, the race reports, the vacation trip reports, the food ideas, and all of the other goodies I have enjoyed reading for the past year and a half. Hang in there, girl. You're going to be OK.ReplyDelete
LISA! Thank you for your sweet comment! I am so thrilled to hear about your weight loss and your running! I'm so glad we got to meet last year at Wine and Dine and I can't wait to hear all about Dopey! Good luck!Delete
Thank you. Everyone has those moments. I had one a few weeks ago where I finished an entire pizza, a 2-liter of mountain dew and a thing a starburst before I realized what I did. Sometimes we need to have those moments to remind us how far we have come. Focus on things you can control. That's how I snap out of it. I'm always here for you!ReplyDelete
I love pizza. But not as much as I love you! Thanks for your comments and your unwavering support! :-)Delete
Keep your focus on what you have accomplished already, both in your weight loss and in your running. So many people could not find the motivation to do either and you have done both. And when you think that you being you doesn't affect people, remember that huge lift that you gave me in the Disney marathon in January. We'd never met but seeing you cheering for me at 6am carried me for several miles. Time to re-commit and regroup. What you have to do to get back on track is so much less than you've already done. Stay strong!ReplyDelete
Thanks, Bill! It was so awesome that we found each other out of thousands and thousands of people! Will you be at Princess this year?Delete
I've been struggling with my knee injury since Dopey last January. I have only run 1 race- (Shamrock 5K in March). I was really down and disappointed and felt kind of hopeless for a while. But I read something in one of my running books that helped me make peace with the fact that I couldn't run or exercise the way I wanted- Runners are goal oriented people. They build their whole identities on their sport and the achievement of their next goal. Setbacks can be devastating. Treat your recovery as part of your training. Do not miss your physical therapy, your icing, your rest time, your strength training (or other workouts you may be able to do). Schedule them like you would your runs. Focus on the goal of recovery, and do what you can do.ReplyDelete
Being injured SUCKS. I'm just NOW starting to run a little again. But it took a lot of accepting my fate (giving up all my races this year.. except that one) and doing what I could do to get here (physical therapy, strength training, ice, rest, walking, cycling, yoga.) Take care of yourself and your body will reward you. Hang in there *hugs*
Thanks, lady! Injuries do really suck! I'm glad to hear your knee is on the mend- hopefully I'll see you at some 2016 races!Delete
Everyone has crappy days - and the fact that you are owning up to yours and acknowledging the fact that you aren't giving up, just going through a bit of a rough time, is admirable!ReplyDelete
I began reading your blog a few months ago when I started entertaining the idea of taking up running. It gave me the motivation I needed to realize that not everyone who runs started out as a runner, everyone started somewhere and my 'somewhere' was very similar to yours!
I successfully ran my first ever 10k yesterday, finishing under my goal time and without any injuries! I just wanted to let you know that your blog has been super motivating during times when I really didn't think I could do it. Keep your chin up, and remember that you're allowed to feel frustrated! Just don't let it get in the way of feeling excited about getting back out there :).
Hi Taryn! Thank you for your sweet comment! Congratulations on your first 10K! What a HUGE accomplishments! Please let me know how else I can assist you- email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Good luck! :-)Delete