This a post that I almost didn't write. Writing it down means acknowledging my failures, recognizing my weaknesses.
I didn't want to write this. I didn't want to post it. But when I feel like that, I know I MUST write it. Post it publicly. Deal with it out in the open.
I'm frustrated. My foot still hurts and I haven't worked out in two weeks. My doctor's office won't give my MRI results over the phone. Most likely, I'll have to wait until my follow-up appointment on Wednesday to get my results; 10 full days after my MRI. If my foot is fractured, then I will have walked around for 10 days on a broken foot. I am pretty irritated with rural medicine at this point.
But what I'm really upset with is how this frustration has been affecting me.
And it feels like shit.
And when I feel like shit, guess what? I treat myself like shit by eating horribly. It's so damn cyclical. It reminds me of how I felt years and years ago when I was binging and hiding food and eating like a food addict.
Last night, I finished dinner and then ate a huge bowl of cereal and then some chocolate chips. Just because I was feeling bad about my foot and myself; not because I was hungry. And then of course, I felt even worse. My response to feed my feeling with food is automatic: I was sitting on the couch staring at an empty bowl before I realized that I'd been eating.It sucks.
That's the only way I can describe it. It sucks.
I can't run. I can't work out the way I want to. I can't train for upcoming races and I might have to miss the two half marathons I have scheduled for the fall. I can't stand looking at social media and seeing all my friends running and racing and accomplishing goals.
But what bugs me the most is that I let all this affect how I think about myself and how I treat myself.
There are some days where I feel like I've worked through all these issues and have come so far. Then there are days like today when I feel like I've ruined any progress I've made.
What I'm complaining about is "small stuff;" stuff that really doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. Overall, me and my family are healthy, we've got a roof over our heads, and we've got food in the pantry. I'm doing ok. Frustrated and angry, but ok.
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this: "If you're tired of starting over, quit giving up." Well, friends, I'm not giving up. I am a little tired of going through these cycles of being injured/feeling unmotivated, but I'm not giving up.
But maybe this is just how it is for me. Maybe I have a few weeks/months where everything sucks and I don't want to workout/eat healthy, and then I have a few weeks/months of wanting to be the best me possible. I don't really know.
So that's where I'm at these days. Feeling crappy but just trying to "make the next right decision." (That's my favorite quote from AA- no worries, I'm not a problem drinker, I just used to work with them :-) )
Like I promised last week, I will post at least once a week from now until Christmas. I also have a few fun recaps to write that I will hopefully get to this week.
If you're still reading this pity-party, thank you. I appreciate having this platform to share about my life and my struggles- thank you for reading. :-)
Have a great week!